The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Burda (aka Newsflash - September Burda Style Preview Posted)

This time Burda Russia wins out as the first website to have the full preview with model and garment photos and line drawings.  If you think you stand it, you can take a look here.

Since one can never be entirely sure of Google Translate (it tells me "Puff Pastry!" when I want to click through the preview photos on the Italian site...), I can only assume the themes for this month's Burda are: bad 80s styling in garish colors, ill fitting clothes in boring grey tones, boring clothes made up in crazy animal prints in an attempt to make them exciting, The Sound of Music, and The Sound of Music: Plus-Sized Edition.  Even then, the plus sizes totally come out way ahead.

Sadly, there is no designer dress feature to save this issue from being a total snoozefest.  On the other hand, Burda has no shame in copying last issue's designer dress for this issue:

Exactly like last issue, but with less interesting pleating and gathering details.

As though to apologize for skimping on the sacks and shirt dresses of late, Burda comes back with a two-in-one!

Sack-shirt-dress, made from a potato sack.

They also snuck in a few other sacks, but gave them interesting sleeves, hoping we wouldn't notice:

Another sack shirt but at least the sleeves are... different.

Since basically the entire issue will be up for potential nomination of the BWTF award, I suppose we might as well get started...

First of all, let me congratulate Her Awesome Selfishness on correctly predicting trends of the season and on being awesome.  I had not started reading her blog until mid-December, shortly after the start of the long break...  In any case, she has returned and we can all rejoice!  However, while Her Awesome Selfishness looks, well, awesome, in her amazing leopard coat, Burda gives us this:

I guess leopard is in, at least in Germany.

At first I thought the picture looked like some sort of escaped prison lunatic with a gun, but now I realize it is a poor fashion victim with a camera.

A scarf pattern, really?  I will laugh when this is the "special sewing course" feature.

Burda, of course didn't stop there.  They have endeavored to make leopard print as dowdy as possible with this pattern:

I think they succeeded.

I was really excited for the start of the fall issues because normally, I love the Burda jackets.  I swoon for them.  But this time... just, no.

Ok, not too bad, just really boring.

This has seriously been sitting in the garage for 27 years, right?

A poorly fitting muslin that should not have been given "wearable" status.

It sort of looks like they tried to find the quickest solution to alter maternity wear.

And then there is this:

Ugh, why?

I mean, what is up with those pockets?  This jacket had potential!  It had potential!  And then they added those monstrosities to the hips.  It looks like they ripped seat pouches out of an airplane and attached them to the bottom of the jacket.  The fact that this color is slightly reminiscent of the color of what goes into the paper bags located in the airplane pouches isn't helping.  Neither are those yarn flowers.  What is up with that?  I mean, I know this jacket could work pretty easily with a few alterations, but as is, it is pretty hideous.

Ok, time to think happy thoughts to wipe that jacket off the brain.

The hills are alive...

...with the sound of music!

Ok, I feel better.  Maybe even better enough to look at some more questionable Burda styling...

Such as this ill-fitting shirt.  Nina Garcia would call it "amateurish" I am sure.

Or this dress, complete with origami boob-flaps.

Why, yes, I did make it out of curtains!!!

The perfect dress for smuggling all of the desserts out of the office party.

The model looks like she is trying to not kill whoever put her in this outfit.

And then, finally, there is this:

There are no words to describe the horror.

Now that that last look has left those of us with weaker constitutions huddling in a fetal postion in the corner, I suppose I should somehow come up with something to nominate for the Best of the Month award.  This was... difficult.  I really had to lower my standards here...

This is boring, but not awful.

This is ok enough for me to momentarily be sad that it is for petite.

I can appreciate a swooshy skirt.

This is also not too bad.

This is an acceptable coat.  Nothing super special.  But acceptable.

This blouse isn't bad.

The plus-sized version is better.

This corset could be kinda cute I suppose.

This jacket isn't too bad, another plus-sized pattern.

And then there is this.  Ooooo, pretty.  

Darn you Burda!  Why must I always love the plus-sized tops and the petite sized bottoms?  Sigh.  Oh well.

So that is pretty much all I can take at this point.  Hopefully I haven't yet caused you to gauge out your eyes.

In any case, clearly, the Best of BS award for September goes to:

The only decent pattern!  The lovely velvet jacket....

And the BWTF award for the month of September goes to (you may wish to avert your eyes on this one):

There are still no words...

To me this is quite probably the worst issue of the year so far.  I have the September 2003 issue, and it is my absolute favorite of all the issues that I own.  I was so looking forward to September.  And then I saw this...  So disappointing.  I don't think I will be buying this issue right away, if at all.  If October or November are good, it *might* be worth ordering the two magazines at the same time to save on shipping, but even then...  If I miss this one I don't really think I will care.  I know people have been saying how bad the Burda offers have been of late, but this issue really does seem like some of the worst style choices and pattern offerings I have seen from them.  I am hoping that this is a momentary lapse of reason, and not a hint of things to come.